My cat gives me a boner
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
