Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize