I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
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