It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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