If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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