I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
