Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
