well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize