i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
