I'm really into asian looking animals
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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