All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I want to fling myself into the sun
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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