It's Friday. Sex?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
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