At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
