You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
