dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
