I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
