Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
