i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
