They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
