it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Quick, to the slutcave!
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
