How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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