grandma shit on top of the toilet
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
