So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
