I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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