She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
