Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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