I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Randomize
