Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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