the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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