I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
