He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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