So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
