it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
