jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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