At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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