At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
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