He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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