Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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