My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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