My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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