mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
