I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
