Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
