And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
