i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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