I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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