Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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