she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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