i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
