I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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