And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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