I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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