How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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