Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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