Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she woke up with a sticky ear
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
