I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
