The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
