I wish life had little blips of pornography
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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